DECISION - AN OPEN LETTER

I have a decision to make, but it is already made: I just have to acknowledge that fact, deal with it, and move on.  It was made, as I sometimes say,.in another time and in a galaxy far away...

I must decide whether to follow my heart or heed the advice of the nay-sayers.  You know them: they are the people who say don't rock the boat...maintain the status quo...be safe not sorry...don't do this...don't do that...don't...don't...don't...

Then along comes a person whom I greatly admire - I shall refer to him as "X" - who says to me apropos another matter "Provoke a crisis.  It lets you know where you stand."

Well, X, I am about to provoke YOU...

I do it because of the great respect I have for you.  I do it because I need to know just where you stand regarding me and what I am about to do.  Unfortunately I cannot know how you will react until I do reveal myself, at which point the cat is out of the proverbial bag...but I seal my fate no matter what I do, so I must follow my heart...

Who is X? 

X is you who are reading this now.  You whom I have told about my decision to transition...

You are my hope and my downfall.  You are my support and my nemesis.  I can do this with you or do this without you, and I would rather do it with you, but by God I am going to do it.

As Martin  Luther said to the Diet of Worms, I say "Here I stand.  I can do no other."  

Having typed the above, I began to feel a twinge of self-doubt despite the fact that I have prayed about this for months (years?).  So I typed in the query on Live Search "Who said here I stand", trusting that I would be guided to the right place.  A page appeared with lots of references to song lyrics and history.  

But one jumped off the screen at me:

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PSALM 55

Luther, standing firm in his convictions and knowing that this might cost him his life, said, “ Here I stand ” (by what I have written) I can do no other.

www.calvin.edu/worship/vhabits/vhabit9/sermon/thirdcrc.doc

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I followed that link, downloaded, and read a not-too-lengthy sermon which spoke directly to me and said better than I could that which I feel at this time.  (go ahead, go get and read it, I will wait for you...)

Back?  Good.  I hope it spoke to you, too...

I have surely spent time on my knees with God, and it is time for me to rise and stand...also with God...

And also, I hope, with you...

Olivia Margaret